Seeking not to reap what I sow

Those who sowed with tears *
will reap with songs of joy.

Those who go out weeping, carrying the seed, *
will come again with joy, shouldering their sheaves.

I admit it. My Christian practice is pretty weak. I think of Peter at the fire. "You were with him wern't you? No Way! Not me.

Not me. Not me.

I have let the work become to important. I have let the fear of failure get me worked up. I have let the thought of going with out a job and the fear of not being able to feed my family gain to much time upstairs in the noggin. "no way I'm not with him."

My body is tired. My brain is working at the speed of dial up. I want to run away and prayer is about the last thing on my mind.

Why is it that one has to get to the place of collapse to begin to ask for help. Why is Peter chosen to be the leader and then they broadcast through the Gospels his rejection of Jesus. Why must Jesus be rejected before one can find Him?

I write today because I am praying for the miracle that is so evident in the psalm. I let go to pick up. I move in the opposite direction of where my mind and spirit wants to go. I admit my defeat.

I have been beaten again...by myself... the old nemisis and idol. Let go I hear...smash your idols I hear...fear not I hear.

I am sowing with tears today (not literally...don't baker act me or call the hospital). I am trusting that in defeat I may once again be willing to reap with joy.