I sought the LORD, and he answered me * and delivered me out of all my terror.5Look upon him and be radiant, * and let not your faces be ashamed.6I called in my affliction and the LORD heard me * and saved me from all my troubles. ...from the psalm

If i were to consider the above psalm from a purly experiential perspective I would be forced to admit that God showed up in my life most clearly when I was not looking for the Lord. Seeking has been such a small part of the life of faith...for me. It is not that I have not sought. I have. I have always been a little wired for the religious life. I've always had big questions and even the inclination to wonder, "what, if anything, is behind all this?" I never played "priest" as a child or anything like that, just that I have found myself attracted to religious people even through I have not always been able to identify with them. I guess that makes me a bit of a religious nerd. And the reality of that is that I am ok with that. I like the saints. I am comforted in their walk to faith and challenged by their witness. I like big church buildings with quiet dark corners. I like the mystery, smells and bells, and chanting. It does not of course make me any more faithful just more nerdy.

Yet the reality is that even though I like religious things my path has been more a fleeing from God then actively seeking. I identify with "I fled him down the laberynth of years" the wonderful poem that describes a man running away from God only to have God loping behind him like a sheepdog...slow and steady at his heels. I definitely feel that God has shown up most times when I wasn't looking.

And yet, it was in those times of difficulty and stress. It was in those times of lonliness and question. It was in those times of loss that God showed up most clearly. He has saved me time and time again. It is not always easy to say yes to God. It has meant that often I have had to shed old skins for ones I wasn't so crazy about in the beginning. Invariably His will works so much better than I would have expected.

I pray I remain willing. If I should continue to flee that which he has called me to, I pray that God will continually lope behind and offer his kingdom. Give me the grace to take it.

a psalm that is hard to keep

"I will bless the LORD at all times; his praise shall ever be in my mouth."

What an interesting text to use at an ordination service. It is clear that this is appropriate for the feast of most of our saints, Claire certainly among them. But it seems to me there is a reason why we have a rather short roster of saints in the Episcopal Church. Most of us aren't capable of making such a bold claim. Even saints like Phillips Brooks weren't able to live up to such a bold statement (that man could complain). Anyway, I was struck this morning by this psalm.

I'm not really at a point of complaining about my ministry or about God right now, but I have to think, at some point over the next who-knows-how-many years I will have something to complain about. I won't live up to the expectation that Scott is setting up for himself by having this Psalm at his his ordination service. Granted, I'd love to be able to bless the LORD at all times, but I know that there are times when life sucks. There are times, even in my own past, when the only way to communicate with God is by yelling and screaming. There are times when God's will is so opposite your own that you will be pissed off at God.

So what to do with this Psalm? I can't just throw it out. I can't not use it. I have to strive for it. Trusting in the LORD means that when his will and mine don't match, I don't get angry, but I surrender mine for his. Jesus himself had to lay down his will so that the will of the Father, a will that meant an agonizing death and separation from God that brought about salvation for countless numbers, might be accomplished. So I guess I use this Psalm as my touchstone. Coming back to it in times of struggle to remind myself to "taste and see that the LORD is good." Otherwise, I could easily get caught up in my own desires, losing all perspective, and being angry more often than not.

""I will bless the LORD at all times; his praise shall ever be in my mouth."

The least of these

O God, whose blessed Son became poor that we through his poverty might be rich:...from the collect

I was captured right away by the collect. That is an awesome statement...not the "cool" or "hip" kind of awesome but fear and awe kind of awesome. I am aways amazed at the connection of poor and God. There is poor in spirit, humility, the anawim, the dictates through out the whole cannon to heal the sick and take care of the poor, the bungling disciples, Paul's blindness, David's meekness, and Abrahm's age. Even after the resurrection of Christ there are those figures in Christian History who have left there mark in imitation of Christ. Yet it always seems that those who leave the biggest mark are they who prior to a change in life , prior to getting caught up in God, prior to seeking a new way, are incapable of living with any success.

I am always struck that it is not poverty that is to be held high but poverty which allows God to be seen so clearly. It is our poverty, our destitution, our failure and at times the phenomenal changes of state and mind which point to God. It is poverty that witnesses the Divine most clearly because it testifies that it can only be that which provides the power. He gives all and we gain. We become rich because he first gave all.

Lord, I am powerless.

The Father's Good Pleasure

"Jesus said to his disciples, 'Do not be afraid, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom.'"

"Thy kingdom come, they will be done, on earth as it is in heaven."

Brian McLaren has an interesting assessment of present-day American Christianity. To paraphrase, he see the faith that most Christians are carrying around as that of Paul, Jesus is coming back tonight, I need to be ready. "What if," he asks, "what if Jesus isn't coming back tonight? How will you live with that as your assumption?"

I think this is what Jesus has in mind in Luke 12.32-37. It is another kingdom lesson. Another clue into how we are to live life as Christians on earth each and every day. Sure, he mentions the reward, and even warns us to be ready for that day when all we be called to account, but inherent in it is the assumption that it won't be tonight. It is one of those both/ands I hated so much in seminary.

Be prepared for Jesus to come (or your life to end) tonight

Live as though it isn't going to happen. Live a life of Christian discipline that assumes that even if you were to die tonight, the world will still go on. The poor will still be poor. The hungry will still be hungry. Children will still need protection.

It is a tough balance to find. And I know I haven't helped much here. But at least I'm thinking about it today. I'm thinking about how to balance a life that is ready for the kingdom to come to earth and expectant of the riches to come. Seems to me that's the balance of a priest as well. The deacon ordination, which comes first, is a call to a life focused here on earth; on making it a better place for all. The priest part, which ultimately is secondary (though we don't think of it that way), with its sacramental components is focused on the daily nourishment required should we be called to judgment tonight.

It is the Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom. Live as to bring it to earth today, cuz it might not come tonight.

Where your treasure is

Investment is an interesting concept. It wasn't until relatively recently (1545 in England) that making some money with your money was an accepted practice. Sure the blacksmith could "invest" in iron and make money selling horseshoes, but it wasn't that the local blacksmith was giving his money to the local farmer to buy seed in hopes of a return on his investment come harvest.

Reading Jesus' famous words on the value of money struck me today. "Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." I wonder if it really has to do with money the way we, consumerist as we are, read it to be. Did Jesus really equate wealth with treasure? I'm guessing no. I'm thinking that perhaps Jesus' sense of treasure had more to do with the whole of one's being.

As I invest the money I set aside to pay quarterlies in a high-yield interest account, I don't think of it as placing my treasure in ING's hands. I think of my treasure as my time, my relational energy, my love and affection. These things I place in important places. I give my time to my God, my wife, and my Church. I give my relational energy to the same. I give my love and affection right there too. That is where my treasure is, and by default (love, time, relational energy) my heart is there also.

I know I'll be preaching on the Feast of St. Claire. I know that her vow of poverty, along with that of St. Francis, is world renowned. I understand that Jesus did have something to say with how we use are money, but I have to imagine that he had a lot more in mind by treasure than an economic system.

Still, the lesson remains the same, doesn't it. I may not be giving ING my treasure and my heart, but I give it to a lot of things that are not needful of it. I give my time to the remote control as I channel-surf for a show I know isn't on. I give my love to thinks undeserving; material goods that in no way bring me closer to the man Jesus would have me be. I waste a lot of my treasure on things which are unnecessary thereby stretching my heart awfully thin. "Where your treasure is, there you heart will be also." Maybe it doesn't mean just money, but I still have a lot of work to do getting my treasures in the right places.

From the riches of his grace

My supervisor here likes to bring this line up over and over to me in our supervisory sessions. Everything about one's priestly ministry should be centered on this. "In everything you do, you are to feed God's people from the riches of his grace". My first inclination is to run screaming from this. If everything I do is to help feed others, how do I keep myself fed? If I am having trouble seeing the riches of his grace, how I am to feed others by it? Aaaa!! run for the hills!!!
When I first thought about an ordination using the Clare readings and not the BCP appointed ones, I thought it was weird. But how nice it was to see some of my misgivings put at ease. In the Gospel there is the reminder to be ready, to be prepared. I can only feed others if I first take care of myself. My preparation is paramount, or how else can I welcome Jesus into the door he has left me to watch?
And then there is the Song of Solomon, the love poem. It is a loving God that pulls our downcast eyes up to look at the growing things. See the flower opening, God says. Here are the riches of his grace, that life continues. Flowers, both tangible and metaphorical, continue to bloom. Spring comes, life grows eternal. Come my love, he says, and see creation. It may be the verbena flowers on my porch (which didn't die under my spouse's watch while I was away), or it could be a new ministry being attempted, or a baptism being planned. Even greater than these, it is Christ offered up Sunday morning. Yep, that's the food God offers, to sustain and inspire. Creation reborn and renewed.

Sell your possessions and give alms

All Baptized people are called to make Christ known as Savior and Lord, and to share in the renewing of his world. Now you are called to work as a pastor, priest, and teacher, together with your bishop and fellow presbyters, and to take your share in the councils of the Church... from the examination

laboring together with them and with your fellow ministers to build up the family of God?... from the examination

Sell your possessions, and give alms. from the Gospel

I feel like the rich man with this word from the Gospel. I find these words particularly challenging. Sell your possessions and give alms...where your treasure is, there also is your heart. The implication of this statement can either enrich or condemn. I find myself at this time hearing both.

I suppose I could moan and complain that those who originally heard these words did not have the troubles that I have. I could go on about taxation, Social Security, and the needs of my family. Easy for Jesus to do because he was a wandering, itinerant preacher (Beyond of course the incarnate Lord!) He did not have children to feed (in the temporal sense of course!) I can easily think of Scripture that challenges this "holy poverty." "The laborers deserve to be paid." comes to mind. I could even become a bit indignant as a clergyman. Has not countless congregations kept a man or woman in poverty by citing this scripture as an excuse for not paying him or her for valuable labor. Yet even amidst a pocketful of justification, the text is not calling for poverty. It calls for trust.

I believe that money in this context is a crutch. It gives the illusion of self control. If I put my trust in money, I am putting my faith in the proposition that I can control the universe. Maybe not the whole universe but my universe. I have fed into the facade that I am the prime mover. Like the shattering of glass, my faith becomes null in void in any crisis of note. In instants, this self dependence can come tumbling down in the face of famine, disease, unrest, and sickness. My treasure will be no treasure at all... only the hollow keepsake that it always was... an idol feeding my quest to control my universe.

Christ calls into dependence on him. God is to be our primary support. Our dependence is to be on him alone. He alone can remove us from the specter of death. He alone mediates us into communion with God. God from God, Light from Light. True God from true God. Begotten not made. Of one being with the Father. Through Him all things were made. The ramification of the preceding is that if it is true, there is no other thing needed. A candle by the light of the sun is dark. Why would I depend on self to trust if the very creator of the Universe invites me into fellowship?

I pray I never lose sight of that. I pray I never lose sight of the fact that as I have trusted God, that entity that I barely see, know, and understand, the greater my awareness of His mercy and love becomes. Taste and see that the Lord is good indeed.

Arise, my love, my fair one,and come away;for now the winter is past... From Song of Solomon

I called in my affliction and the LORD heard me * and saved me from all my troubles.7The angel of the LORD encompasses those who fear him, * and he will deliver them.8Taste and see that the LORD is good; * happy are they who trust in him! ... from the Psalm

May the Lord who has given you the will to do these things give you the grace and power to perform them.... from the Examination

For winter is past....

Seminary was a desert time for me. I know this was party due to myself and my expectations. I expected Seminary to be a place where I might really engage with fellow Christians. And I did. What I didn't expect was that the institution and many of my classmates were so guarded. I found it stifling. I don't feel called to church that lifts up the structure over the mandates of Christ. I feel called to serve Christ and find myself amongst those also called to serve the living God.

For winter is past...

I have entered a new community. It is sort of a post hippy, left leaning, but fun loving community. I have entered a community which relishes laughter. It has been like a balm for me. Laughter, the kind that so readily admits our sinfulness without the distain of conceptions of piety. Lord save me from the uptight church.

Lessons in the desert...

The desert however is neccesary. The Israelites are tried in the desert. Jesus is tempted in the desert. John the Baptist is brought to the desert and preaches to Israel from the wastes. The irony of course is that those called to live more deeply in God were called first to the desert in order to find the "living water" of Baptism. My expectation had been that seminary was going to be the promise land. It was its dryness for me that led me out of my expectation to trust in the living God. In spite of me God continued to call...taste and see that the lord is good. It was not the grand that I could put my trust in... it was the small relationships, the re-emphasis on my family obligations, and assisting people where I could with mission. It was the little things... the still small voice of God which led through a time of dryness.

For winter is past...
I have gained tremendous amounts in the desert. In time some of the difficulties will heal over and I will begin to appreciate it for what it was. It was a time of testing. It was a time of learning. It was a time to recognize that the church is much like how it always has been, a collection of sinful, groping, wonderful people like me. The great reality being that the church has never saved. We only can point to the living God entrusting the results to him. And now the winter is past. I have entered a new place and due to the desert I have not set it to far up on the hill. Thus far we laugh. For now it is wonderful.

on preparation

On August 11th I am scheduled to preach at the service of Ordination to the Priesthood for a dear friend from Seminary. That is a little less than two weeks from right now. I am nervous. As if preaching in front of a crowd eagerly awaiting an ontological change to happen in someone else isn't difficult enough, I am a deacon, preaching the ordination of a priest. The Bishop of, well whatever diocese it is in, (I should figure that out), has made it clear that this isn't the norm, but he is allowing it. GULP.

Anyway, two weeks of preparation seem like a good idea to me. The readings that are found here are for that day. I will be reading them with much intent and vigor over the next couple of weeks, please read them with me, and pray, pray hard, for me.

The crux of this post, however, isn't about me or my preparation. Instead it is about the call to "be prepared" that is so clear in Luke 12.32-37. God wants to give you the Kingdom, are you ready? Well no, of course I'm not. I've got a sermon to write. I've got a webpage to put together. I've got names to learn. I've got s**t to do, thank you very much. Excuses are not going to make the Kingdom of God. Preparation and action will. When the master, drunk from a wedding banquet that lasted several days, stumbles back home, the servants best be prepared for his arrival. How much more so should we be prepared for the God of all love and power when he comes, Kingdom in hand, ready to give it to us. To be asleep seems as though it would be a bad thing. To be unprepared, not sure whether it is God at the door, that would be unwise. Know the LORD and await his arrival.

All right, I get it. I'll be prepared. I'll start by working on this sermon.