I sought the LORD, and he answered me * and delivered me out of all my terror.5Look upon him and be radiant, * and let not your faces be ashamed.6I called in my affliction and the LORD heard me * and saved me from all my troubles. ...from the psalm

If i were to consider the above psalm from a purly experiential perspective I would be forced to admit that God showed up in my life most clearly when I was not looking for the Lord. Seeking has been such a small part of the life of faith...for me. It is not that I have not sought. I have. I have always been a little wired for the religious life. I've always had big questions and even the inclination to wonder, "what, if anything, is behind all this?" I never played "priest" as a child or anything like that, just that I have found myself attracted to religious people even through I have not always been able to identify with them. I guess that makes me a bit of a religious nerd. And the reality of that is that I am ok with that. I like the saints. I am comforted in their walk to faith and challenged by their witness. I like big church buildings with quiet dark corners. I like the mystery, smells and bells, and chanting. It does not of course make me any more faithful just more nerdy.

Yet the reality is that even though I like religious things my path has been more a fleeing from God then actively seeking. I identify with "I fled him down the laberynth of years" the wonderful poem that describes a man running away from God only to have God loping behind him like a sheepdog...slow and steady at his heels. I definitely feel that God has shown up most times when I wasn't looking.

And yet, it was in those times of difficulty and stress. It was in those times of lonliness and question. It was in those times of loss that God showed up most clearly. He has saved me time and time again. It is not always easy to say yes to God. It has meant that often I have had to shed old skins for ones I wasn't so crazy about in the beginning. Invariably His will works so much better than I would have expected.

I pray I remain willing. If I should continue to flee that which he has called me to, I pray that God will continually lope behind and offer his kingdom. Give me the grace to take it.